Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
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mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.