My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
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also my go-to takeaway order
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
The 4 stages of a family vacation
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
she has a point
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
We decided to have money instead of children.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.