[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
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My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
how was your vacation
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again