Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
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We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap: