*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
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I am, perchance
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Thursday Thought.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.