A huge thanks to the person that did this
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Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one