Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
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*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
This did not end as expected.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”