Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
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How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
This is true.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?