I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
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“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
fair
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes