“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
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Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.