Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
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Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say