[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
You Might Also Like
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
There’s always that one guy
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards