My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
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me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Happy Halloween 🎃
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920