Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
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I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives