Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
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Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I put the mess in domestic.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.