Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
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ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?