MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
You Might Also Like
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
DOOO EEEET
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs