The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
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“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?