Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
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Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Have a lovely day 😊
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.