Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
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judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
I hope Alan is OK
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.