Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
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He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.