Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
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I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
And now we wait
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.