I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
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Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
If you breakdance you buy dance.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
There are no pants in heaven.