My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
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Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
WHY?!
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.