I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
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All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins