My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
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[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
#catsoftwitter
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
how it started vs how it ended
*pronounces surface like Versace*
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”