Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
You Might Also Like
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed