Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
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It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels