Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
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Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.