“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
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Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Is anyone gonna tell them?
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
cat vs inanimate object
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]