It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
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If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot