Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
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I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Bit chilly again tonight.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
live long and prosper!
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.