I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
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8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Going to church you guys need anything
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.