The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
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In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Beware of the dog..
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.