(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
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Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
🤣
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”