Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
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5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
the official breakfast of 2021
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and