My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
You Might Also Like
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
And they lived apathetically ever after.