How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
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my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
british sex workers really pound for pound
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.