When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
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me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
No. YOU-buprofen.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
I feel it
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn