Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
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Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.