My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
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Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.