I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
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[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.