u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
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My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]