My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
You Might Also Like
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.