I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
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[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
road rage
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”