‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
You Might Also Like
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes