ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
You Might Also Like
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…