Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
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Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.