I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
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3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth