ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
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Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
*Seductively hides in the woods
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…